Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE