My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.