How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.