Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Pretty much! 😂👀
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no