Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.