My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.