(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Happy Star Wars day!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.