Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.