Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*3.5 thank you very much.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …