I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Friday
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Previously On Persistence 😎