I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.