If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?