officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
The Weeknd is back
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.