“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.