My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
You Might Also Like
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched