“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.