Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You Might Also Like
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to