It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.