So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.