(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.