I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Breaking news:
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?