A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.