[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.