Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”