Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.