Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.