Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.