If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
That’s amazing.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
the Monday after daylight savings
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.