If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
😂😂
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here