She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
He-man has a Masters degree
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.