Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You Might Also Like
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.