The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.