Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Who.
Did.
This?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what