a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
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If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.