too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
The three genders.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.