It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You Might Also Like
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal