[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.