Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My dad.