me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Shortcut
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.