eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers