“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt