He’s dead
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight