spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Happens to everyone.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.