Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
even bears disappoint their mothers
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight