The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Pigeon open mic night.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.