Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens