I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit