Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry