[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
You Might Also Like
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
cat vs inanimate object
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions