“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The Joker was right
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister